Thursday, April 7, 2011

My Ramblings

I have had a lot of things on my mind lately. I am not one for a lot of fancy writings, or using creative words, but I just need to write (type) some thoughts out.

So, most of you know that Scott is graduating law school in May. We have been praying and praying and PRAYING that he would find work soon. We had also been praying where we needed to be and live, what would be best for our family, etc. After a lot of prayer and thought, we decided that Sacramento would be the best place for us while he studies for and takes the bar, with the hopes that he will find a job soon after. Why am I writing about all of this you may ask? Bare with me, I am not quite sure yet either, but I know it will come as I continue typing! :) We are in what I have been calling, Limbo. We don't really KNOW where we are going to be working, living, settling down, etc. All we know is that we are moving to Sacramento. Scott had an interview out here in Florida weeks ago. It went really well and we actually felt really good about it. Then after a few days, I just started having a sinking feeling, a feeling that made me wonder if Florida is where we wanted to stay. Visiting family on the West coast would be practically breaking the bank any time we came out and the closest family to us would be a 19 hr car ride. To be honest, as much as we have enjoyed our three years in Florida, we never came out here with the intention of staying (I hope I am not offending any of my Floridian friends). So I started secretly hoping that he would not get the job because I just was feeling uncertain about it. We talked about the great opportunity it would be to work at this small, one-man-show, firm and the endless possibilities, but something just wasn't feeling right to me. We have not heard back from the lady he interviewed with, but I am not at all anxious about it, like I usually would be. I mean, this is WORK. We NEED a good job. I have just been more curious to see if she does get back to him in the time frame she gave him and what she actually says.

Okay, back to limbo. So, we are TOTALLY in limbo. Some days get a little scary for me because my mind goes to all of the "what ifs" and "whens" and "CRAP, we have student loans to pay off!" It doesn't help that I have all of the extra hormones surging through my body too! Anyway, we have been praying that we will know what we need to do and working hard on being worthy of the spirit so we can receive revelation.

My next thought.

Conference helped me in so many ways. It helped me in regards to my feeling of Limboness (I know, not a real word), and it helped remind me of what is most important. Usually I feel like only a few of the talks pertain to me and the rest are probably perfect for someone else, but honestly, I felt like I truly got something out of every talk (okay, there may have been one or two that I didn't get as much from because we were trying to entertain Ada). President Uchtdorf talked about the importance of taking tiny steps towards building our faith, rather than expecting some huge, experience like Joseph Smith or Saul had. He said, "They want some dramatic event to compel them to believe." I have been that person before. I hope that I know better now, but I surely know that in years past, I have wanted the heavens to open and tell me what I want to know. He talked about waiting on our road to Damascus like Saul. That too many of us wait in hopes for something magnificent to happen, when in actuality we can be building our faith one step at a time. I know that I have found myself "waiting" during this last year. I feel like I have wasted a lot of time waiting to truly believe that things would work out to how I wanted things to work out (this is in regards to a lot of personal things, including the job search). Listening to him speak, though, made me realize that I am on a good path! That we are going to be okay. We may not find that job right away, we may have to live with my parents longer than we want (hahaha, Mom, you know we totally love you guys and appreciate your help!!), we may not get all of the answers when we want them, but I feel like after this weekend, I have a brighter hope. I feel stronger and more uplifted than I have been in a long time. I have a stronger desire to have a more solid testimony and faith in Heavenly Father. I am okay right now to be in Limbo. I am okay with a lot of things.

"He Loves us, He loves you. When necessary the Lord will even carry you over obstacles as you seek His peace with a broken heart and a contrite spirit. When necessary the Lord will even carry you over obstacles as you seek His peace with a broken heart and a contrite spirit."

So, why did I write all of this? Well, one thought I had is that it is MUCH easier to type my thoughts out rather than write them. My penmanship has gone down hill during this computer era and I find that my typing flows much better (and you can actually read it!). Another thought, is because I don't talk a lot about my thoughts on my blog. I will call this my blog since Scott does not contribute ( Although, I know he reads it. Love you Scott!). :) I sometimes am afraid to write down what I am thinking and for so many reasons. But, this particular post has been on my mind all week. I don't expect many, if any (ha) to read this post. It was for me. It was something that I needed to do. I guess that last reason is why I wrote this post. And, for those that just want to see a picture...

We took a family walk in between sessions, to one of my favorite places. And to top off our experiences here in Florida, Scott finally saw a Manatee. Two actually!


the emily said...

Ugh, the limbo is SO HARD. I hate that feeling of just not knowing for sure what's coming next. When we were deciding if we should move to NM Dave said something about how he doesn't want the clarity in 10 years when we go "Oh, THAT was what we were supposed to do". He said "I want the clarity NOW." I feel that same way. He already feels like this is was the right move for us but I'm still not sure. I wish I could have the confidence that he has, or the surety that we've made the right move for our family. I just trust in him and hope that my leap of faith is enough to give us the blessings I so desperately want/need.

That being said, I'm sorry for your limbo feeling, glad conference made it a little better, and I will be praying that everything works out and you get the answers you need.

FYI, I just met a lawyer who moved here (to Gallup) last year because he couldn't find work in Florida! Weird.

Ems said...

Good luck with the decision. It's funny how things end up working out the way they're supposed to. I know the Lord will guide you!

Cynthia Lovell said...

LOVED your post!!!! First I'm going to comment on the picture of CUTE little "SCOTTINA"!!! I have to admit she's a little Scotty!!! She's just so CUTE!!! She's little miss Personality!!!

I thought your post was excellent. You're such a Good writer!!! I think this will be a Good move for you!!! Sometimes it just takes patience and a lot of faith, but I feel that you will be rewarded & you are both doing the right things. We're HAPPY to have you come home!!! I know Chad is!!!

Amy Lovell said...

Loved your thoughts. Sometimes "thought felt" posts are my favorite kind.

I know things will work out for you guys soon enough, and even though the waiting game is never any fun, it's always a time you look back on and think, "wow, I learned so much."

I'm sure that's not totally comforting to hear at this exact moment, but we've been praying for you guys, so something good is bound to happen soon. :)

Savage fam said...

Thanks for posting this sister! Conference brought me the same peace to my stresses! I can hardly wait one more month for you to get out here..
Love ya!

ps not too sure about the name scottina, but Ada looks adorable, and I can't wait to squeeze her!

Lindsay said...

Thanks everyone! We feel good so far. I am just working hard at not needing to know all of the answers now!! :)

JazznJenna said...

Lindsay, I feel like I've spent the last half of my life in limbo practically, so I know it's hard. Very, very hard. But over the years I am also growing more and more grateful for the trials the Lord has blessed me with, including the limbo years. I know He is aware of you every minute, and loves you and has a wonderful life planned for you! You are so good at holding fast to your faith, I know you'll realize so many great blessings that are waiting in store for you. I hope they come to you a.s.a.p!
I'm glad you've been able to make the decision to move to Sacramento, that will be good for you. Best wishes!

Vivian said...

Great post. Thanks for being so open. Amen to the whole conference thoughts. I also find it gives great clarity, gets priorities straight with a better view of the big picture. The not knowing is hard, but I know you 2 will make good decisions.
Loved the picture at the end. A couple of cuties.

OramHouse said...

I totally relate to your post, been there many times! I always love that Conference can ease most things I worry about. The bar and results are stressful enough no reason to stress yourself out more:) Hope everything works out for you! Thankfully we've been in Limboland so many times that now it doesn't even phase me (a plus to getting through trials!) I'm still having Ben keep his ears open for jobs too.

Kristin said...

I'm sooo glad you wrote out all your thoughts and feelings. It's really motivating and uplifting to know there are others floating in your boat. My blog is my outlet. Writing is sooo therapeutic! Hang in there girl! And thank you for your thoughts on conference!

Tiffany said...

hi. now you'll have to spend a fortune coming to visit your Florida "family." just sayin' Ü

good thoughts - i ordered the CDs b/c i was pretty distracted in lots of talks. i do remember the road to damascas talk though - good one.

Lovell Family said...

That was a nice read...everything will surely work out. Not necessarily how you want them to turn out, but you will be happy with how they work...that's how it's ended up for us, anyway.

Adorable picture, yes, a little Scottina, we agree.

I put some pics on our blog, just for you!

J Fo said...

Limboland is so stressful! Looks like through all of the comments here that a lot of us get it. Doesn't make it less stressful for us planners though does it?! I felt the same way about conference this time. I got more out of it this year than I have for about 3 years. Emmy had cousins to play with, so I got to watch a lot more. :) With the decisions that Greg and I are in the midst of making I have found myself waiting for a BIG answer, rather than realizing that we've been getting little answers all along the way. I hope that you get more answers soon. Being pregnant doesn't make any of this easier does it?! Love you guys!

Greg and Abbey said...

Thank you SO much for sharing your testimony. I loved it. I hope you'll share your "thoughts" from now on :)
Love ya!
YOu're awesome. I needed to hear exactly what you wrote. Thank you!